When you know you should be grateful

Sometimes I love being a stay at home mom. Other times I feel like I can feel my brain ozzing out of head. I know I should be actively working on finishing my masters, so I can go back to work eventually. But it all seems daunting. The idea that I may have to enter a world were other adults exist seems terrifying.  I’m scared I’ve been a SAHM mom so long, I won’t know how to be a normal functioning adult. Being around toddlers all day doesn’t exactly hone your conversational skills. I was at a party recently and I brought up how odd it was Daniel Tigers doesn’t wear pants and instead of killing it with my witty observation, people just stared. Then talked about Syria. Which made me tear up because anytime some brings up Syria, I think of the god awful picture of the toddler on the beach. So that was my contribution: Daniel Tiger’s clothing choices and crying.

I do love my kids and I do know I’m lucky to be home with them. I just get down about my contributions to the world, esp. on days when I’m not crushing it as a mom. I know the answer is to go outside and or study or just turn the damn tv off but it all feels so counter-intuitive. When I just want to be a zombie and scroll facebook and be jealous of all these moms taking their kids to the zoo or the park. I get it: it’s nice out, now kindly fuck off. When I’m down or feeling like a shit mom, going on facebook is my way of emotionally cutting myself. No one ever posts pictures of their kids watching their 4th hour of TV while pounding some Wendys.  I know this but this does not stop from rage porning through my newsfeed categorizing people as people who think their better me or people who are trashier then me. It’s not the prettiest way to spend an afternoon.

Luckily, I do know this will pass. I will take my kids to the park. I will make a plan to study and I know I’m mostly a good mom. Sometimes thinking about how I should be grateful just makes me feel worse for not feeling grateful. So I just need to feel what I feel and know it will it pass. And stay the fuck off Facebook.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *