What I do when my husband leaves his phone unattended

I love texting his friends pretending to be him. I basically have three running themes: inspirational quotes, fart medicine/fart cancer, and his love of the show Bones (which he has never seen).

Here are some examples:

Inspirational quotes.

Me (with husbands phone): “Shoot forĀ  the moon, even if you miss, you’ll end up among the stars.”

Friend: “?????”

Me: Sorry man, meant to send that to myself. I’ve been trying to get myself pumped every morning. You should try it.

Friend: No.

Me: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Just let that marinate for a while. You’ll thank me later.

Fart Medicine.

Husband: “Can you text Chris and tell him we will be about 15 minutes late.”

Me: Sorry man, the pharmacy was fresh out of my fart medicine. So it looks like we’ll be about 15 minutes late.

Chris: Fart medicine?

Me: Yeah, for my fart cancer. I guess my butt farts are so gross that my butt got fart cancer. It’s treatable but I have to stay away from beans.


Me: ALERT: The sexual tension between Bones and Booth has reached an all time high.

Friend: You should really be locking your phone.

Me: The same way Bones locked her heart to Booths the first 6 seasons.

Friend: Lock your phone & get your wife help.

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