Second to the lord.

I go to a WOW gym because it’s cheap, has free babysitting & I have two children under 3. I go to the gym to talk to exactly no one. I am there to drop off my children, listen to a podcast, read a magazine and take a leisurely stroll on a treadmill. That’s it.

So today there was a woman working out with a trainer who was super loud, louder then the super loud techno music playing & the housewives podcast on my phone. I avoid him like the plague, as he’s immediately my enemy. He approaches the woman he’s training (two treadmills down) proud that he came over right as her ten minute jog was up. I witness this exchange:

Trainer: “I came back right when you were done. WHO’S THE BEST?!!

Woman (looking visibly uncomfortable and confused): “Ummm.. you are?”

Trainer: “No. THE LORD IS. I’m a distant second. Then everyone else.”

Woman: “Laughs uncomfortably. Looks around for support.”

Me: *Fuck no. Stares at phone like my life depends on it*

Trainer: *Sees uncomfortable laughter as encouragement and gets louder.* “I’m ONLY second to the LORD!!!” Then high fives woman.

I stare harder at my phone.

Trainer proceeds to yell/talk about how he’s second to lord to everyone and no one. Then it happens. We lock eyes. I know I’m doomed.  He immediately walks over and extends his hand in the air for a high five. Now, I have never EVER left another adult hangin. And I wouldn’t do it to this guy. But man did I want to.

After the worlds least enthusiastic high five, he continues to ramble on and I continue to avoid everyone. But I can’t stop thinking about this guys self esteem. He’s second TO THE LORD because he can guestimate 10 minutes? He’s so thrilled with himself that he’s HIGH FIVING strangers? I have mom days when I think I’m second only to Dina Lohan. If my kids eat too many sweets or watch too much TV I’m visualizing them explaining their childhood to Dr. Drew on whatever rehab show is on in 2030. “I had a pretty good childhood, until that day my mom let me eat 15 Rolos and watch 4 hours of Paw Patrol, that’s when I learned life is meaningless and the only answer is heroin.”

I’m not sure what the answer is? I’d be lying if I said I want to be like this guy. In fact I would like to formally rescind my high five next time I see him. But maybe the take away is somewhere in the middle. I mean we’re both lying to ourselves (he’s not second to the lord and I’m not Dina Lohan) but his lie is so kind to himself.  Maybe I should take a page from his book (not the whole book bc that book is mostly filled with crazy) and try to be a bit nicer to myself. So thank you, for this lesson you high fiving lunatic. And for re-affirming my no talking to anyone at the gym policy.




5 thoughts on “Second to the lord.”

  1. You are SO hilarious!!! Please write the next good sitcom. I got your address from my friend Rose and couldn’t stop laughing. Witty and yet profound. Love it!!!

  2. Thank you SO MUCH for writing a real post for once! I am sick of reading these mom posts where thier lives and children are magical… haha no life is messy and hilarious once we embrace it! hah 4 hours of paw patrol LOL

  3. I like to do my own thing at the gym too. I am particularly fond of the Sorta Awesome Podcast. Yeah, that’s also why I run on the treadmill. I am too winded to really respond to the gym crazies. Funny story at least, that’s why I love blogging. Every circumstance has the potential to be a great story.

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