Paint nite/taint nite.

So I have partied with the best of them. I have enjoyed Greek life at a state college for more years then I’d like to admit.

I can say with total and complete certainty: no one parties harder then old ladies at a Tuesday Methuen Paint Nite.

I really thought Paint Nite would be a low budget Bob Ross type experience with happy little trees and some light music in the background. Instead it was like a low budget techno club for horny old biddies, where the instructor made endless dick jokes. Yeah, those happy little trees are now dicks. Painted by a paint brush that is also called “big dick” or “little dick”. Here’s are a few gems my male stripper moonlighting as paint instructor said:

“I’ll do anything for money and I’ll meet anyone in the parking lot to prove it.” I think he was kidding, but I fled that parking lot like I was robbing a bank.

He also said we could hang our painting up wet. Ok. No dick jokes. Nice job! I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that not one penis was mentioned. Until he followed up with, imagine your painting is rode hard & hung up wet. Okayyyyy. I’m actually concerned that this guy might be fucking his paintings.

At one point he asked the “crowd” if we like Justin Bieber. No one responded I think in fear of getting dry humped to a Bieber song. He then said the most obvious statement of the night, “I really like Justin Bieber.” We know. We all already knew that.

So just be aware of what Paint Nite is, at least in Methuen on a Tuesday. Instead of Bob Ross, you may end up with someone as artistically and comically talented as Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino. The good news is if you enjoy painting while also “booty shaking” and possibly doing blow, this could REALLY work out for you.

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