So friendship is crazy. Strike that, I’m crazy and I have friends. I discovered this when I was talking about how weird it was that a friend was sensitive a something that seemed pretty trivial. Then it hit me. I have done that. Been totally sensitive about something that in hindsight was not a big deal. It’s like I’m head fucking myself.
So here’s what happened to make me have this epiphany: friend A comes over, I mention that friend B’s shitty co-worker had her (probably) shitty baby. We all love terrible co-worker stories. Friend A is upset that Friend B never told her about the baby. She mentioned it a few times and seemed hurt. I thought it was a strange thing to be upset about. I mean, who really cares? I’m sure I just happened into this news.
Then it hit me. I’ve done this. Only mine is MUCH more ridiculous. I once got upset with this same friend because she took a swim class with her son and didn’t invite me. Like moped about it for months. Trying to come up with ways to “approach” the subject. THANK GOD I DIDN’T. Looking back it makes NO sense. This is one of my best friends, but we don’t have the type of relationship that we do everything together. We’ve been close friends since junior high and we basically have talked on the phone 10 times. We text A LOT but unless it’s an emergency (like we’re out of wine or Dorinda’s meatball of a boyfriend made a sex tape) then we don’t call.
So I confess and tell her that a few years ago I was hurt she didn’t invite me to a swim class. I thought since we lived in the same town, it would of been a nice way to meet up and I was probably feeling jealous that she was in a mom’s group and seemed to have more local “mom” friends. When I told her this, she laughed and stated that she was probably just trying to shield me from her borderline colic baby. She also reminded me that that her first few months with her son were not zen filled moments of bliss. She struggled. I had pictured her strolling into swim class with all her new cool mom friends, doing magic baby laps with their perfect babies, probably in fucking bikinis with their stupid post baby abs showing and that wasn’t her reality. It was my reality for her.
In real life, all new moms are tired. And scared. And fucking tired.
Also, this is not a new friendship. I should have known that we are solid. My sweet friend has always supported me and been a really good friend. Still at that time I couldn’t see it. Just like our other friends being hurt over not getting a small piece of information. It often doesn’t have to do with what the other person is doing. It has to do with where you are with yourself. I was feeling insecure about my new “mom” life, so I was sensitive about a swim class. Had I not been insecure, her taking a swim class would have been a blip on my radar.
So I think it’s important to examine why you are upset about something. Get to the core. Maybe that person is a toxic needledick. But maybe it’s in your head. If your happy with yourself, you tend to not sweat the small stuff (esp. in friendships) but if your not, the small stuff hurts. So check yourself before you wreck yourself. And your friendships.