How to survive a Thunder from Down Under show alone.

I’m fairly certain seeing Thunder from Down Under three times doesn’t officially make me an old lady pervert but tell that to the lady across from me who witnessed me sitting ALONE in the front row.

Sooo this how my life took so many wrong turns that I ended up there. Two girlfriends & I saw Thunder a few years ago in Vegas and it was magical. Such a fun show! Watching hot men dry hump horny old ladies to 90’s R&B is honestly hard not to love. So after our trip my friend got so excited about keeping the Vegas spirit alive she bought three tickets to Thunder, closest she could get to stage but here’s the kicker; NOT. SITTING. TOGETHER.

Now I am not one to run away from awkward situations. I’m like a awkward situation first responder, I run to that burning building. Like “Yes crazy aunt tell me more about your weird butt rash but say it louder because I’m not sure the people at the next table could hear us.” I. AM. HERE. FOR. THIS. I was once at party at swanky bar in Boston and a very drunk woman in a full bunny costume (and not like a playboy bunny like a mall Easter bunny costume) fell into our party. Literally just fell. Everyone else seemed annoyed and walked/looked away but not me, mid-sentence I left a conversation to go talk to this inebriated bunny/woman. It’s a good thing I did because as I was talking to her my guy friend came up and she said, “You’re so hot, I would [insert very graphic sexual act].” Now I am not a prude but consider my pearls clutched. I still can’t even write what she said. Neither my friend nor I knew what to say, so we stood there in silence. Lady/Bunny broke the silence by saying that she’s a lawyer in DC and makes over $200,000 a year. Which I think she said in a effort to help her look more stable. It did not.  She was then promptly whisked away by her friend, leaving me and friend still in total and complete silence.

I digress…but my point is that when friend told me she had a single front row seat at a Thunder from Down Under show, I was IN. I would take the weirdo seat and was anxiously awaiting the looks on people’s faces when they saw I was alone, front row at a male semi-nude variety show.

So as the show approaches my friend (THE ONE WHO BOUGHT THE TICKETS) can’t go. So we have to find a replacement which isn’t exactly an easy sell. At the time I was thinking that two seats were together and one was the weirdo seat. So I get my sweet, sort of shy, sober friend to go with us. We meet for dinner and it’s revealed that there are in fact NOT two seats together but all three are separate. In fairness to my other friend, I texted her and told her I would take the “lonely” seat and she text back that they were all lonely seats but I just thought she meant metaphorically not physically. Sober friend was HORRIFIED, she doesn’t even have the luxury of a some liquid courage to get her through this. She has to go sit, alone, sober and watch a bunch of almost nude men do some air dry-humping. I tried to comfort her by saying they are really good seats but she wanted none of it.

So we get to the show, I have decided that this opportunity would never (hopefully) happen to me again, so I need to carpe diem and not explain the situation to the people around me. I am ready. I am going to run into this burning building of awkwardness like the hero I am.

Only I can’t. It’s so much harder than I thought. The first group of woman, I try, but the looks are too hard and it’s too weird. I break down and explain that I have friends here and tell the whole story.

I knew I had to do better the next time, so when the women sitting across from me come to their seats and they ask who I’m here with and I say no one. Just me. One woman could not hide her discomfort. She said something like, “Good for you!” in a voice way higher then it should be. It looked like I had just told her I was not only going to prom alone but not before I planned an elaborate prom proposal for myself.

She promptly stopped talking to me.

In a weird twist of fate the two seats next me were empty for the show, so I was actually able to sit with my sweet sober friend as I guzzled wine and sexually harassed men. My friend ended up being a really good sport about it and we ended up having a really good time though she did mention that she wanted to murder me at least 12 hundred times.

I was really proud of my friend for rolling with these very weird punches. She could have sulked in her seat or left but she didn’t & we were able to have a very fun, amazing night because of it.

So it was a nice reminder for me: don’t let the circumstance dictate the times, sometimes if you just run into the fear and discomfort, you might actually have a really good time and at the very least you’ll have a really good story.

Funny Awkward Sober

 

 

Why doesn’t it matter?

Another day, another shooting. So many lives lost. Yet nothing will change. These guns that shoot masses of people in seconds won’t be taken away.

I can’t wrap my head around it.

I’m in a moms group with a woman who’s husband was shot in the San Bernardino shooting. It was heartbreaking to see her post that there was a shooting and she’s hoping her husband was ok and he wasn’t. He was dead. And now it’s heartbreaking to see her have to navigate life as a widow.

Yet no one is willing to talk about real solutions. Everyone has on their republican or democrat hat and with those hats on no real solutions can be discussed. It’s so sad that people let their political identity dictate their common sense. Taking away guns that kill masses of people in a second can only be good for public safety. There is no rational argument against it.

That said, here’s the argument I hear: Cars kill people, do we take away cars? Or knives? I understand the argument but here is my response; the method matters. People choose guns because they are glamorized in our country. They make people feel powerful and as long a they are readily  available people will use them to kill masses of innocent people.

I remember reading an article about suicide and when Great Britain converted from coal gas to natural gas (making harder to kill your self by sticking your head in the oven), suicides dropped by 30 percent (and has stayed down 30 percent for over 30 years). Once a quick and easy way to kill people (themselves) was taken away, they didn’t do it. Guns matter because they are so important to the method. They matter because the easier you make it for people to kill people, the easier they will do it.

I worked with people with mental illness for a long time. One of the tasks I would have to do was administer medications for clients who had suicidal histories. I had one client who I adored: she was funny and smart and also deeply depressed. For years we administered her medication and I never fully got it. I kept thinking she could just go to the store and buy tylenol if she really wanted to overdose. Years passed we stopped administering her medication and she overdosed on her medications. It was the method. She was fixated on the method.

I’ve also heard people say, “evil people will do evil things.” That maybe true but we don’t have to supply them the ammunition. We don’t have to make it so easy for them. I mean we are suppose to try to fight evil, right? Not give them weapons of mass destruction.

Will taking away guns get rid of all violence. Of course not. Will it protect some innocent people from dying. WITH OUT A FUCKING DOUBT.

So I am trying to be kind and ‘look for the helpers’ and believe that there is a higher purpose in all this sadness but honestly I am struggling because I feel like greed is winning. The NRA is winning. They are buying our government, our congressmen and woman and they do not give a single fuck about public safety. About the lives that are dying at the hands of their profitable weapons.

It should be noted that I grew up in a house with guns. My parents were responsible gun owners. Do I think that my step fathers hobby of going to a shooting range trumps my kids getting shot in the head at concert or church. No. But if people want their guns. Fine. They don’t get to have weapons of mass destruction. They don’t get to have weapons that kill hundreds of people at a far range because it simply DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Sending so much love to these victims and their families and friends.