Paint nite/taint nite.

So I have partied with the best of them. I have enjoyed Greek life at a state college for more years then I’d like to admit.

I can say with total and complete certainty: no one parties harder then old ladies at a Tuesday Methuen Paint Nite.

I really thought Paint Nite would be a low budget Bob Ross type experience with happy little trees and some light music in the background. Instead it was like a low budget techno club for horny old biddies, where the instructor made endless dick jokes. Yeah, those happy little trees are now dicks. Painted by a paint brush that is also called “big dick” or “little dick”. Here’s are a few gems my male stripper moonlighting as paint instructor said:

“I’ll do anything for money and I’ll meet anyone in the parking lot to prove it.” I think he was kidding, but I fled that parking lot like I was robbing a bank.

He also said we could hang our painting up wet. Ok. No dick jokes. Nice job! I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that not one penis was mentioned. Until he followed up with, imagine your painting is rode hard & hung up wet. Okayyyyy. I’m actually concerned that this guy might be fucking his paintings.

At one point he asked the “crowd” if we like Justin Bieber. No one responded I think in fear of getting dry humped to a Bieber song. He then said the most obvious statement of the night, “I really like Justin Bieber.” We know. We all already knew that.

So just be aware of what Paint Nite is, at least in Methuen on a Tuesday. Instead of Bob Ross, you may end up with someone as artistically and comically talented as Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino. The good news is if you enjoy painting while also “booty shaking” and possibly doing blow, this could REALLY work out for you.

Tinder

Signed my dad up to Tinder.

1st minute: Dad: “This is SO shallow, you can only see what they look like. What’s wrong with this world?”

2nd minute: Do you think I can pass for 55?

3rd minute: Intrigued by woman in Red Sox shirt at Fenway Park. Denies her because she’s in the bleacher section.

*We have ONLY ever sat in the bleachers.

LunchBOX

image

Take a second to REALLY look it this picture a friend text. It’s a waxing salon that has decided to feature a graphic of a lady holding a lunch box (with a heart on it) over her vagina. It’s called lunchBOX. In case things aren’t being clear enough, they have capitalized BOX.

I have A LOT of questions for the designer of this. The first one being: what grade are you in? And do your parents know about this?

Also, we have all caught on to your VERY SUBTLE reference of some lady third base. Lunch=eat Box=vagina LunchBOX/Heart over vagina. I’ll give you some props though, I imagine it’s hard to take a female bathroom sign and have it simultaneously represent some sweet female love making & genitalia waxing.

Finally, thanks for addressing this unspoken truth in our society. Every woman knows getting their pubic hair ripped out with pipping hot wax (by a stranger) is basically the same thing as oral sex. FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!!! All these woman who complain about getting waxed we know you are just getting your rocks off. I’ve gotten waxed exactly once and it hurt worse then childbirth but who knows maybe I just had a really ugly esthetician.

*Side note: My friend said her husband would more comfortable going into a x-rated video store.

The art of the apology

So I’ve learned there are right and wrong ways to apologize. Right way: “I’m sorry.” Wrong way: “I’m sorry BUT…… It’s basically that simple. When saying sorry no one gives a shit about your counter points or the times you were right. JUST SAY SORRY.  Bill “Needledick” O’Reilly did not get this message when he brought up the fairly straightforward subject of Slavery. Michelle Obama gave a beautiful speech and stated that the house she wakes up in every day was built by slaves. This did not sit well with O’Reilly’s weird slavery wasn’t-that-bad agenda. He stated that the slaves who built the Whitehouse were well fed and had good housing. After people were basically like “the fuck O’Rielly?”  O’Reilly defense was that he was simply “stating historical facts” not defending slavery. Which is absurd. He said it as a way to try to make slavery seem less horrific. Sadly, he’s not the only one who does this. Some Southerns love telling stories about how “happy” the slaves were. I went on a plantation tour in South Carolina and tour was filled with stories about “Slave parties” where the slaves would gather in the field, play music and stomp the seeds in the ground. Or how one time the revolutionaries burned down a “masters” house and a slave saved a painting from the fire and traveled with the painting to give back to the master.

Here’s the thing: Slavery was wrong and people are uncomfortable when they are wrong. When history is wrong. Slavery was a terrible time in our history but the only way to move forward is to accept what happened and say sorry. Don’t say sorry but then talk about how “it wasn’t THAT bad”. When you pepper it was “historical facts” that suggest it was a not that bad, it demeans and devalues the “Sorry”.

I reminded of a time I was truly impressed with an apology. My friend and I had plans, she changed the times a few times and then ultimately didn’t show. This is not the crime of the century but I was still annoyed. I fired off a text saying I thought she was being inconsiderate and rude. What happened next was nothing short of awesome. She said, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. It was inconsiderate of me. ” Period. The end. No excuses. No ‘historical facts’ about how she bought me dinner once. Just a simple: I was wrong, I’m sorry. This, my friends, is how you do it. She could of easily brought up times that I was late or inconsiderate. I’ve done my fair share of being a less then reliable friend but she chose to accept responsibility for her actions at this moment. And I couldn’t love her more for it.

No one will get through life not making mistakes. We will all have to say sorry and it will serve us well to do it the right way. In college when I was drinking too much, I use to have a friend give a prepared speech; “Hi this Kerri, I’m calling on behalf of Deirdre Londergan, she would like to offer her sincerest apologies for her behavior last night. Please accept this apology as a token of her deep regret and know that she will curb her drinking until 8 pm tonight.” I’m pretty sure without that canned speech I would have had no friends after freshman year. And I’m pretty sure a canned mass apology speech will work only in college. Seriously though, I fuck up. It’s often harder then I like to admit for me to simply say sorry with out offering any sort of excuse or counter point. I’ve learned that true forgiveness comes from a true apology and once that happens it’s so much easier for everyone to move on.