I’m fairly certain seeing Thunder from Down Under three times doesn’t officially make me an old lady pervert but tell that to the lady across from me who witnessed me sitting ALONE in the front row.
This is how I ended up sitting alone at a Thunder show; two girlfriends & I saw Thunder a few years ago in Vegas and it was magical. Such a fun show. Watching hot men dry hump horny old ladies to 90’s R&B is honestly hard not to love. So after our trip my friend got so excited about keeping the Vegas spirit alive she bought three tickets to Thunder, closest she could get to stage but here’s the kicker; NOT. SITTING. TOGETHER.
Now I am not one to run away from awkward situations. I’m like a awkward situation first responder. I run to that burning building. Like “Yes crazy aunt tell me more about your weird butt rash but say it louder because I’m not sure the people at the next table could hear us.” I. AM. HERE. FOR. THIS. I was once at party at swanky bar in Boston and a very drunk woman in a full bunny costume (and not like a playboy bunny like a mall Easter bunny costume) fell into our party. Literally just fell. Everyone else seemed annoyed and walked/looked away but not me. Mid sentence I left a conversation to go talk to this inebriated bunny/woman and it’s a good thing I did because as I was talking to her my guy friend came up and she said, “You’re so hot, I would [insert very graphic sexual act].” Now I am not a prude but consider my pearls were clutched. I still can’t even write what she said. Neither my friend nor I knew what to say, so we stood there in silence. Lady/Bunny broke the silence by saying that she’s a lawyer in DC and makes over $200,000 a year. Oh. Okay… So I guess that makes this normal? She was then promptly whisked away by her friend, leaving me and friend still in total and complete silence.
I digress…but my point is that when friend told me she had a single front seat at a Thunder from Down Under show, I was IN. I would take the weirdo seat and was anxiously awaiting the looks on people’s faces when they saw I was alone, front row at a male semi-nude variety show.
So as the show approaches my friend (THE ONE WHO BOUGHT THE TICKETS) can’t go. So we have to find a replacement which isn’t exactly an easy sell. At the time I was thinking that two seats were together and one was the weirdo seat. So I get my sweet, sort of shy, sober friend to go with us. We meet for dinner and it’s revealed that there are in fact NOT two seats together but all three are separate. In fairness to my other friend, I texted her and told her I would take the “lonely” seat and she text back that they were all lonely seats but I just thought she meant metaphorically not physically. Sober friend was HORRIFIED, she doesn’t even have the luxury of a some liquid courage to get her through this. She has to go sit, alone, sober and watch a bunch of almost nude men do some air dry-humping. I tried to comfort her by saying they are really good seats but she wanted none of it.
So we get to the show, I have decided that this opportunity would never (hopefully) happen to me again, so I need to carpe diem and not explain the situation to the people around me. I am ready. I am going to run into this burning building of awkwardness like the hero I am.
Only I can’t. It’s so much harder than I thought. The first group of woman, I try, but the looks are too hard and it’s too weird. I break down and explain that I have friends here and tell the whole story.
I knew I had to do better the next time, so when the women sitting across from me come to their seats and they ask who I’m here with and I say no one. Just me. One woman could not hide her discomfort. She said something like, “Good for you!” in a voice way higher then it should be. It looked like I had just told her I was not only going to prom alone but planned an elaborate prom proposal for myself. She promptly stopped talking to me.
In a weird twist of fate the two seats next me were empty for the show, so I was actually able to sit with my sweet sober friend as I guzzled wine and sexually harassed men. My friend ended up being a really good sport about it and we ended up having a really good time though she did mention that she wanted to murder me at least 12 hundred times and I was really proud of my friend for rolling with these very weird punches. She could have sulked in her seat or left but she didn’t & we were able to have a very fun, amazing night because of it. So ladies, or gents, don’t let the circumstance dictate the times, sometimes if you just run into the fear and discomfort, you might actually have a really good time and at the very least, you’ll have a really good story.